darliff

So, three months this time

2009-12-04T19:42:42Z

So its been about three months since I last posted. As I said in one of my last posts, this semester was a bitch, and I was right. My grades did slip slightly, I'll still have a 3.0 or higher, but much closer to the 3.0 than I've been since I started school.

My student loans finally came in, only about a month late, so I never really got to cut down on my hours until recently, and so I haven't really looked on here as much, which is a shame, cause I really do like reading this goddamn black hole of attention and time. I also miss putting my thoughts into structure. If nothing else reading them later gives me one hell of a laugh.

Life is pretty well balanced and stable at the moment. The girl/love situation is weird, as always, but its stable enough that I have few complaints. Work is easy at the moment, and since its the slower time of year I get plenty of time to study on my downtime there.

I could keep going but pharmacology homework and a cigarette are both screaming my name.

Miss Chrysty inspired...

2009-12-04T19:31:04Z

A little catchup survey thing, and I thought it was cute, so here it is.

1. first name
Joseph is my full first name, but I go by Joey. I actually get slightly annoyed by the number of people who call me Joe, but I deal with it, Joey is preferred.

2. age
26 until September 15th, 2010. ( I had no idea our birthdays were so close miss Chrysty)

3. location
Right now I live in Schwenksville, PA. I just moved out here in July with one of my good friends, and one of the few people I can live with and not have any real problems. I was living in Boyertown, about 20-30 minutes awayt, but this is pretty much smack i nthe middle of my two campuses for school.

4. occupation
I cook and deliver in a pizza shop at the moment. I also do the odd manual labor job. Laying bricksm cuting down trees, helping people move, cleaning a house, etc. I'm hoping to get my first hospital job soon. I could work in a retirement home or home care, but I don't think I could handle that.

5. partner
This is an odd one. I do this kinda polyamory thing, though ironically most of the people that I would consider my partners really don't. Most of my close female friends use me as like, a safety net boyfriend and best friend. When they're single or their life sucks, all of a sudden I have someone to cuddle with every night and am pretty much filling the role of a boyfriend. When they find a new guy, or the life picks up I'm back to being a friend.

6. kids
I make a great uncle, I'd make a lousy daddy.

7. brothers/sisters
I have one half sister who is pretty much white trash, with two kids. She's five years older than me My parents take care of one of her children, and I'm the next in line for his guardianship if anything happens to them. I also have a full blood brother who is a year and a half younger than me. I have two step brothers and a step sister, but I'm horrible with their ages. They are all in their 30's, and they are half Vietnamese. My stepfather brought a vietnamese woman back from the war a long time ago.

8. pets
In my apartment we have Sami, our crazy cat. At my mother's house there is another cat, Romeo, and three dogs. Sparky, a terrier my grandmother left when she moved, Raven, a rottweiler half breed, and Sherlock, who is a pitbull mutt we found in a park in the city. We also had a turtle named Cain that was recently released.

10. parents
My biological father recently passed away, and that was a weird funeral because I hadn't seen him or his family since I was about 9 years old. I was raised by my mother and my stepfather. I'm really close with my mother, and over the last few years have gotten really close with my stepfather too. I still have horribly awkward moments with him, he swore I was going to be a drunk and a drug addict for years, and now he's all swollen with pride that i'm going to be a nurse.

11. closest friends
Most of my best friends aren't on LJ anymore, but Ryan, my current roomate, who I've known since I was in 11th grade. My drinking and drug buddy, and almost my first boyfriend when we were both figuring out exactly what our preference was. Frank, who is a prick but for some reason still remains one of my good friends. John, who is a pretentious prick but still slips through. The whoren, Stacy, who has been a staple of my life for quite a few years now, and who I basically lived with from 19-23. God, I have too many people I would list on here, so I'll cut that off now, or this can go for pages.

darliff @ 2009-09-07T04:53:00

2009-09-07T04:56:17Z

I am jack's raging indecsion. And jack's doubt don't fuck up. You can't afford it.

Make or break time

2009-08-20T15:05:32Z

This semester, I think, will push me to the utmost limit of whether I can make it in nursing or not. On the bright side, my filler classes for credits in order to get my financial aid seem fun, Creative Writing and Literature and Film. Now onto the downside....

I would like to enter clinicals in the spring semester if at all possible, if not then by summer at the latest. In order to pull this off I need to take both basic Chemistry and Biology. I obviously have the knowledge in both subjects to get through the program, having passed Anatomy and Physiology, yet I am required to take these courses in order to be eligible. So, through Montgomery County community college, I'm taking the two mentioned English classes, in addition to Microbiology and Pharmocolgy. From anohter school I am taking Chem 101 and Bio 101. Since Pharmocology is not a Lab course, it's only worth three credits, in addition to the two English courses, that brings me to nine credits. Three science courses with lab, are an additional 12 credits.

My whopping total for the fall semester is 21 credits. In addition to obviously working as much as I can to afford my appartment and to keep setting money aside in case clinicals interfere with work. Obviously the majority of these classes are online courses, otherwise I would not have the time to work and so on.

Anyone who knows me well knows I like to push the limits of my endurance in just about everything. I will work insane hours just to see if I can, push myself to go out when I'm sick or exhausted. When I'm bored I'll learn languages and during the semester it isn't uncommon to see me at a bar with a binder in front of me studying.

This may be one of the more insane stunts I have attempted. So, wish me luck, or get a camera ready to watch me crash and burn.

darliff @ 2009-08-09T02:25:00

2009-08-09T02:25:43Z

So looking over my last few entries I feel like a lecturing prig. Polyamory had been a resounding theme because for once in my life it seems almost feasible. I'll try and make more posts interesting to the rest of the world. Lol.

And Kudos to the people that actually managed to make it through that, heh.

There was gonna be more, but True Blood is very distracting

2009-08-02T05:12:11Z

I'm tired of living in a culture where everything is so goddamn complicated and piled on with layers and layers of guilt. I spent years yearning after this girl or that girl, being madly in love and hating every guy that managed to walk into their lives. I piled guilt on top of myself, guilt for looking at people and feeling sexually attracted to them. I've simk into depressions and I've driven people away with stupid obsessive jealousy. Then one day it just kinda clicked. It made perfect sense out of nowhere. Why the hell am I making love quantitative? Why does the fact that I'm not the number one person in someone's life? That's the day I started heading towards polyamory, though I didn't even know the word at the time. I was just convinced I wasn't going to date anymore, hell I had just finally stopped hating love. I went through a stage where I learned to differentiate between lust and love. I mean a hell of a lot of people have infatuations and lust fucks and god knows what else. Learning the difference between wanting someone and loving someone took me a very long time to work out, hell I'm still working on it to this day. For a while I tried playing the backup boy too. Just being there when someone needed a backup boyfriend, or the release of lust without any worries. To an extent I still do that. But I've come to realize more and more that love is an important part of what I want to do. It always seems cheesy saying it this way, but the old saying fits rather well. "If you truely love someone, let them go. If they come back to you then it was meant to be"

Yes, corny and stupid and a million other things but it fits. It took a few people to drive this point home to me. Two girls I might as well have dated, one that never really left, just changed certain aspects of our relationship when she had a boyfriend, and another who is figuring out what exactly she wants from life and who is trying to figure out where I fit. Two more friends who are married but still express their love and feelings towards me, and another friend that has called on me, even though she barely knew me at the time, and who has turned into an amazing friend. There are others that influenced me, plenty of works of fiction, such as Stranger in a Strange Land.

The new hardest part is the logistics, ironically. I'm content with most arrangements that I've managed to work out with the people who love me. Hell, one of the two ex girlfriend types has decided that any boyfriend she gets has to be content with the fact that I'm around. Most of the rest have varying opinions of what they want from me or with me. One I think is content to have love, and while she isn't willing to give up monogamy. Another wants an open relationships, but if she's going to be with me than she has tp be above everyone else. First among however many I suppose. I see that as an invitation to jealousy and issues, and I'm not sure I am capable of putting one person above every other person. I love various people, and while the emotion waxes and wanes, I don't think I can always promise one person that they'll take priority over every other person I've ever loved.

I think thats it for now, True Blood is getting good and I want to get back to it.

darliff @ 2009-08-01T06:37:00

2009-08-01T06:40:12Z

I absolutely hate when people call me, for a ride or cause they need something, tell me they'll call back, then don't call back. Especially when its a girl. It drives me nuts cause I will sit here all goddamn night waiting to hear back and it with drive me nuts. Fuck my life.

darliff @ 2009-07-28T16:23:00

2009-07-28T16:23:25Z

Again, thanks to reading I've come up with another thought.

Has making sex into a commodity made the mess of sex it is today? Most people will say that there is little to no prostitution in America, but where do concepts like alimony and dowries originate? Why is it insulting to express sexual interest in someone without taking them out for certain amounts of time?

Hell, you can even put the sexual seperation of clothing, or the taboo on nudity on this concept. The packaging makes the goods more appealing.

I know I still suck at updating, later today, when work bores me again I'm gonna make an actual personal update.

the fun part about moving

2009-06-23T17:34:53Z

While packing over the last week or so I've realized how much of a packrat I am.

I have found so many things I wrote back in the day. Plays I wrote in highschool, tattered notebooks with bits and snips of stories. Hell I found a dot matrix print out with a story I started in elementary school and rewrote it a dozen times through highschool.

I'm going to get back to this writing, even if I have to start it with forcing.

darliff @ 2009-06-22T14:35:00

2009-06-22T18:35:34Z

So the lasy few weeks I've had to explain my personal take on polyamory, and how I came to it and so on. Apparently I'm getting quite good at explaining it and making others understand. I should totally hold lectures or something.

In any case, everyone seems to come back, so I have to be doing something right.

Confusing life

2009-06-11T21:43:56Z

So, an update on my current situation, and my issues.

My grandmother has had small cell lung cancer for close to a year now. She was diagnosed early and managed to get it in remission and have clean scans within six months. My mother lost her job about a week before the diagnosis and has been in and out of the city almost nonstop taking care of my grandmother. My grandmother is now moving to our house and will alternate between here and Arizona for the rest of her life.

My mother is, as stated, unemployed but looking. I pay board to live here, and have asked if they needed help numerous times. I also, as a normal adult, would like to be out of my parents' house. I moved home to get my shit together, and it is mostly together. I can scrape by on rent in an upcoming apartment, but it will be tight until I get my student loan in. My parents knew this and are fine with it.

Last week my mother explained to me that I'm getting too much of an attitude lately, which is a mix of a few stresses in life making me asshol-ish. She also said she was fine with me not visiting my grandmother much, because she understands that I'm a cold individual, and that outside of the family I live with, I can take or leave the rest. Which I will admit, in many senses I am a cold selfish individual.

Today I was told my lack of visiting my grandmother IS an issue, though I see her once every week or two anyway. And apparently my mentioning of looking for an apartment coincided with my paying of board again. I started paying board again when the semester ended and I could work full time again. I've been pricing apartments for months, just to keep up with the average costs. My friend is newly single and looking for a roomate, so I have an oppertunity. Now, as it all starts to come together, it is an issue with my family. Things seeme to finally be doing good, and now they all fall apart.

darliff @ 2009-05-24T00:18:00

2009-05-24T04:18:05Z

I've come to the conclusion that almost every industrial or ebm band I see sucks live. Other than kmfdm maybe.

Seeing das ich as I post

Why the hell is pizza hut on the sidebar?

2009-05-09T01:43:36Z

So class has finally finished for the semester, thank god. Three months of relaxation before I start killing people to get a spot in the clinical program. Go Me!

darliff @ 2009-04-17T02:29:00

2009-04-17T06:29:57Z

Don't forget who's taking you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
Save, the last dance for me

darliff @ 2009-04-14T15:48:00

2009-04-14T19:48:31Z

A few updates, I will keep this up.

I built myself a new computer, so the official blog is a bit outta date. Well really out of date.

I've finished Weeds and began to obsessivly watch Jericho. I am obsessed with the deaf girl in both shows.

And I have decided to take the summer off from school. I've pushed hard this semester and gotten close to forty credits in a year. I'm maybe two classes from being eligable for clinicals. I am also trying not to burn out, I did a lot this year and I can make some money and relax for a few months before I start the hardest part of the nursing program.

I also plan to start working on a story. Its gonna start as a game world and I'll see what I can come up with between creating the world and doing some tabletop shit.

Life is pretty good.

darliff @ 2009-04-06T23:01:00

2009-04-07T03:01:06Z

Why do I always end up spending all night giving the girls I want advice on other guys.

Dammit

i'm pretty sure

2009-03-31T13:14:08Z

That I just owned that test harder than a stripper gets owned at a duke party

aaaaand

2009-03-31T12:10:09Z

Time to take my test on blood. So goth, right? I was gonna cram in the beginning of class but said fuck it. I know it or I don't. And I spent all night studying with a cute classmate without getting too distracted. let's see how it goes. I'll update again while chainsmoking after the class. The smokeless cigarette should be here soon.

The blog site

2009-03-28T20:07:26Z

is now up. Here is a link to it godlikeproductions.wordpress.com/

Tuesday Night

2009-03-27T03:08:18Z

I was sitting in my computer chair reading about Alexander the Great for a history paper. I fell asleep in the computer chair and started a dream where I was in this weird cyberpunk style gym. Everything was flat and black and just.... fuck you all know what cyberpunk is. I think Ryan was there, and maybe John and Frank, and a fuckload of people from highschool. Anyway, I just remember I was supposed to be the driver, for us to go to this club. somehow the club was linked to the gym. But it was vital that I had to finish working out. Then the zombies came. they started ripping people apart and I know there was more, but then I woke up. Maybe two hours had gone by. I looked at my paper and decided I needed to move to the bed and get back to killing me some zombies with a taste for fit people.

Randomness

2009-03-27T03:01:53Z

And her tears fell, lke rain on a cardboard box. The liquid soaking in, making everything saggy. Her makup cracked and ran like rats towards the gutter. A trail of black slowly working its way towards her mouth. It looked like a spider's leg. I had this mental image of a giant bug ripping its way out of her mouth, the skin folding back and sagging off of a chittering face. The mandibled clicked together her voice screamed at me. I watched my reflection in its faceted eyes.

So I feel like everyone else

2009-03-25T14:36:16Z

I am so tired of bullshit filler courses for college. For twelve years of regular public school I had to learn history and english and various other subjects as a general education. I'm in college now, studying for a specialized career. How the hell is learning about Alexander the Great or the development of the Jewish culture going to help me?

Why, when I am busting my ass to learn about the human body and how it works, do I have to learn about trends in racism throughout history?

About the only filler courses I really will accept as being somewhat useful are psychology courses. I will have to deal with people in stressful situations, so I have to learn about them. Fine, it's a stretch but I'll take it.

My college education would have cost me a quarter of what it eventually will cost me if I didn't have to take these bullshit courses. I could have loaded in another science class each semester without the worry of too much work. But no, I am required to line the pockets of the college and end up paying more back to the government because I HAVE to understand the development of the Roman culture.

Fucking christ.

After years of hearing friends in college bitch about it, I finally have complete sympathy.

I think I'm gonna post random quotes I like for a few days

2009-03-24T10:14:24Z

We see ourselves surrounded by the 'walking wounded' — by people who have been deeply, if not irrevocably, injured by fear, shame, and hatred of their own sexual selves. We believe that happy connected sex is the cure for these wounds, that it is important, possibly even essential, to most people's sense of self-worth, to their belief that life is good. We have never met anyone who had low self-esteem at the moment of orgasm.

Every now and then

2009-03-23T07:32:15Z

Every now and then my mind just spins. there is so much to take in, so much to nderstan and to process. I jump between thoughts and ideas so fast I can't form them.

It's like blowing a soap bubble. the colors are so pretty and they swirl in designs. You know if you touch it, it'll pop. As it grows bigger and bigger the colors move more, there's more of them...until finally there's nothing left.

It's like I take so much in, I absorb as much as I can, conflicting ideas, views. Things to make me think. Hell, I even fall asleep listening to audiobooks and podcasts anymore. I need more and more and more.

When you're young and you learn something, if affects you. You soul search and you can even see how it affected you. But as you grow older the chain gets longer and longer... following it back to the beginning is pointless.

So I focus on intelligence so much because I was fat and ugly as a child and pretty much a social outcast, or because I've always had this need to learn more things? Or was it my way to make friends, by teaching and helping them.

So I avoid relationships over my mom's many failed marraiges, or over bad dating experience, or because the philosophy I follow now really does make sense?

Do I doubt myself because someone gives me a good reason to question and reevaluate, or do I just latch onto some unknown quantity and let it drag me along?

Bah, back to my comics. The only way to keep myself from going crazy when my brain spins like this is to focus on something engulfing. A good book, good tv show, good movie, good comic. Or to sleep it through, but I hate to waste the time sleeping.

Goodnight everyone

Godlike

2009-03-22T19:38:02Z

So anyone who's been following me for a few years may remember me mentioning something called Godlike Productions, Godlike Studios, Or Godlike Syndicate. Its a project that my self and some few friends have worked on, sporadically since 2001 or 2002. We're up to our third incarnation I beleive.

The first incarnation was pretty much strictly a radio station, run out of my apartment with weekly shows broadcast from a garage. Ahh, the days of shoutcast. This eventually died as we really didn't have the server capacity or the money to do it. Plus the group fragmented a bit then as we all got our shit together seperately.

A few years ago, we started work again. We had a website, a minor joke comic and a few weekly podcasts. We had an event or two, and things were slowly developing, we actually generated traffic! Sadly, there was a disagreement between two of the founding members and we again fizzled after almost two years of fairly steady content.

Now I'm in school, so my free time is slightly lacking, and many of those still involved or at least interested don't have schedules that match up well enough to do podcasts or anything like that again. But after so many years I am unwilling to let this idea die. So on my own, I am starting a group blog on wordpress. As I have time I plan to find more contributors, more followers and eventually build back up a website. I know its going to be a long and time consuming project, and hopefully some of the old members and new members jump back on board. As I have time I hope to develop a webcomic, possibly an audio story in the rebirth of audio media and radio shows on the internet and as many other projects as I can shake a coffee cup at.

I am stressing that with my school schedule, things are going to be very sporadic... but once I graduate, one to two years from now, I'll have the money and hopefully the time to throw at this project and make it finally work.

The main reason for this post, other than my self justification of spending the last hour or two setting things up, is to find out if anyone is interested in contributing.

I'm looking for just about anything. Reviews on various forms of media, opinion articles, thoughts on politics. Basically anything you would like to put out into the world.

In addition, I'm not asking anyone to go start a blog on wordpress and post to the Godlike blog. Yes, it would make my life easy, but I figure if I see something interesting, or you'd like me to post something you wrote, butyou don't want to make yet another blog, just somehow inform me with a comment or message that I'm allowed to copy something you've posted anywhere. I'll post it to the godlike blog, attribute it to whomever posted it by any name you wish, and link to your original post, wherever it may be.

This journal, Darliff, is my connection to the intelligent people I know who post interesting things on a regular basis. Some are close friends, and some are people that I've barely ever met or seen outside of reading thier blogs. From Stacy and Michelle, both close real life friends, to Amanda, whom I've met a handful of times in real life, but who is one of the most intelligent people I've found on here.

Anyways, I suppose this is an ending to a long and ranbling post, but hopefully there will be interested parties. Or just people who will read the godlike blog and enjoy some of the things posted there.

Here's the link. godlikeproductions.wordpress.com/ There is nothing there yet, since I started it about an hour ago, but soon, hopefully that will change.