darliff

So its been about three months since I last posted. As I said in one of my last posts, this semester was a bitch, and I was right. My grades did slip slightly, I'll still have a 3.0 or higher, but much closer to the 3.0 than I've been since I started school.

My student loans finally came in, only about a month late, so I never really got to cut down on my hours until recently, and so I haven't really looked on here as much, which is a shame, cause I really do like reading this goddamn black hole of attention and time. I also miss putting my thoughts into structure. If nothing else reading them later gives me one hell of a laugh.

Life is pretty well balanced and stable at the moment. The girl/love situation is weird, as always, but its stable enough that I have few complaints. Work is easy at the moment, and since its the slower time of year I get plenty of time to study on my downtime there.

I could keep going but pharmacology homework and a cigarette are both screaming my name.

A little catchup survey thing, and I thought it was cute, so here it is.

( survey thingie )

I am jack's raging indecsion. And jack's doubt don't fuck up. You can't afford it.

This semester, I think, will push me to the utmost limit of whether I can make it in nursing or not.  On the bright side, my filler classes for credits in order to get my financial aid seem fun, Creative Writing and Literature and Film.  Now onto the downside....

I would like to enter clinicals in the spring semester if at all possible, if not then by summer at the latest.  In order to pull this off I need to take both basic Chemistry and Biology.  I obviously have the knowledge in both subjects to get through the program, having passed Anatomy and Physiology, yet I am required to take these courses in order to be eligible.  So, through Montgomery County community college, I'm taking the two mentioned English classes, in addition to Microbiology and Pharmocolgy.  From anohter school I am taking Chem 101 and Bio 101.  Since Pharmocology is not a Lab course, it's only worth three credits, in addition to the two English courses, that brings me to nine credits.  Three science courses with lab, are an additional 12 credits. 

My whopping total for the fall semester is 21 credits.  In addition to obviously working as much as I can to afford my appartment and to keep setting money aside in case clinicals interfere with work.  Obviously the majority of these classes are online courses, otherwise I would not have the time to work and so on.

Anyone who knows me well knows I like to push the limits of my endurance in just about everything.  I will work insane hours just to see if I can, push myself to go out when I'm sick or exhausted.  When I'm bored I'll learn languages and during the semester it isn't uncommon to see me at a bar with a binder in front of me studying.

This may be one of the more insane stunts I have attempted.  So, wish me luck, or get a camera ready to watch me crash and burn.

So looking over my last few entries I feel like a lecturing prig. Polyamory had been a resounding theme because for once in my life it seems almost feasible. I'll try and make more posts interesting to the rest of the world. Lol.

And Kudos to the people that actually managed to make it through that, heh.

I'm tired of living in a culture where everything is so goddamn complicated and piled on with layers and layers of guilt.  I spent years yearning after this girl or that girl, being madly in love and hating every guy that managed to walk into their lives.  I piled guilt on top of myself, guilt for looking at people and feeling sexually attracted to them.  I've simk into depressions and I've driven people away with stupid obsessive jealousy.  Then one day it just kinda clicked.  It made perfect sense out of nowhere.  Why the hell am I making love quantitative?  Why does the fact that I'm not the number one person in someone's life?  That's the day I started heading towards polyamory, though I didn't even know the word at the time.  I was just convinced I wasn't going to date anymore, hell I had just finally stopped hating love.  I went through a stage where I learned to differentiate between lust and love.  I mean a hell of a lot of people have infatuations and lust fucks and god knows what else.  Learning the difference between wanting someone and loving someone took me a very long time to work out, hell I'm still working on it to this day.  For a while I tried playing the backup boy too.  Just being there when someone needed a backup boyfriend, or the release of lust without any worries.  To an extent I still do that.  But I've come to realize more and more that love is an important part of what I want to do.  It always seems cheesy saying it this way, but the old saying fits rather well.  "If you truely love someone, let them go.  If they come back to you then it was meant to be"

Yes, corny and stupid and a million other things but it fits.  It took a few people to drive this point home to me.  Two girls I might as well have dated, one that never really left, just changed certain aspects of our relationship when she had a boyfriend, and another who is figuring out what exactly she wants from life and who is trying to figure out where I fit.  Two more friends who are married but still express their love and feelings towards me, and another friend that has called on me, even though she barely knew me at the time, and who has turned into an amazing friend.  There are others that influenced me, plenty of works of fiction, such as Stranger in a Strange Land.  

The new hardest part is the logistics, ironically.  I'm content with most arrangements that I've managed to work out with the people who love me.  Hell, one of the two ex girlfriend types has decided that any boyfriend she gets has to be content with the fact that I'm around.  Most of the rest have varying opinions of what they want from me or with me.  One I think is content to have love, and while she isn't willing to give up monogamy.  Another wants an open relationships, but if she's going to be with me than she has tp be above everyone else.  First among however many I suppose.  I see that as an invitation to jealousy and issues, and I'm not sure I am capable of putting one person above every other person.  I love various people, and while the emotion waxes and wanes, I don't think I can always promise one person that they'll take priority over every other person I've ever loved.

I think thats it for now, True Blood is getting good and I want to get back to it.  

I absolutely hate when people call me, for a ride or cause they need something, tell me they'll call back, then don't call back. Especially when its a girl. It drives me nuts cause I will sit here all goddamn night waiting to hear back and it with drive me nuts. Fuck my life.

Again, thanks to reading I've come up with another thought.

Has making sex into a commodity made the mess of sex it is today? Most people will say that there is little to no prostitution in America, but where do concepts like alimony and dowries originate? Why is it insulting to express sexual interest in someone without taking them out for certain amounts of time?

Hell, you can even put the sexual seperation of clothing, or the taboo on nudity on this concept. The packaging makes the goods more appealing.

I know I still suck at updating, later today, when work bores me again I'm gonna make an actual personal update.

While packing over the last week or so I've realized how much of a packrat I am.

I have found so many things I wrote back in the day. Plays I wrote in highschool, tattered notebooks with bits and snips of stories. Hell I found a dot matrix print out with a story I started in elementary school and rewrote it a dozen times through highschool.

I'm going to get back to this writing, even if I have to start it with forcing.

So the lasy few weeks I've had to explain my personal take on polyamory, and how I came to it and so on. Apparently I'm getting quite good at explaining it and making others understand. I should totally hold lectures or something.

In any case, everyone seems to come back, so I have to be doing something right.

So, an update on my current situation, and my issues.

My grandmother has had small cell lung cancer for close to a year now.  She was diagnosed early and managed to get it in remission and have clean scans within six months.  My mother lost her job about a week before the diagnosis and has been in and out of the city almost nonstop taking care of my grandmother.  My grandmother is now moving to our house and will alternate between here and Arizona for the rest of her life. 

My mother is, as stated, unemployed but looking.  I pay board to live here, and have asked if they needed help numerous times.  I also, as a normal adult, would like to be out of my parents' house.  I moved home to get my shit together, and it is mostly together.  I can scrape by on rent in an upcoming apartment, but it will be tight until I get my student loan in.  My parents knew this and are fine with it.  

Last week my mother explained to me that I'm getting too much of an attitude lately, which is a mix of a few stresses in life making me asshol-ish.  She also said she was fine with me not visiting my grandmother much, because she understands that I'm a cold individual, and that outside of the family I live with, I can take or leave the rest.  Which I will admit, in many senses I am a cold selfish individual.

Today I was told my lack of visiting my grandmother IS an issue, though I see her once every week or two anyway.  And apparently my mentioning of looking for an apartment coincided with my paying of board again.  I started paying board again when the semester ended and I could work full time again.  I've been pricing apartments for months, just to keep up with the average costs.  My friend is newly single and looking for a roomate, so I have an oppertunity.  Now, as it all starts to come together, it is an issue with my family.  Things seeme to finally be doing good, and now they all fall apart.  

I've come to the conclusion that almost every industrial or ebm band I see sucks live. Other than kmfdm maybe.

Seeing das ich as I post

So class has finally finished for the semester, thank god.  Three months of relaxation before I start killing people to get a spot in the clinical program.  Go Me!

Don't forget who's taking you home
And in whose arms you're gonna be
Save, the last dance for me

A few updates, I will keep this up.

I built myself a new computer, so the official blog is a bit outta date. Well really out of date.

I've finished Weeds and began to obsessivly watch Jericho. I am obsessed with the deaf girl in both shows.

And I have decided to take the summer off from school. I've pushed hard this semester and gotten close to forty credits in a year. I'm maybe two classes from being eligable for clinicals. I am also trying not to burn out, I did a lot this year and I can make some money and relax for a few months before I start the hardest part of the nursing program.

I also plan to start working on a story. Its gonna start as a game world and I'll see what I can come up with between creating the world and doing some tabletop shit.

Life is pretty good.

Why do I always end up spending all night giving the girls I want advice on other guys.

Dammit

That I just owned that test harder than a stripper gets owned at a duke party

Time to take my test on blood. So goth, right? I was gonna cram in the beginning of class but said fuck it. I know it or I don't. And I spent all night studying with a cute classmate without getting too distracted. let's see how it goes. I'll update again while chainsmoking after the class. The smokeless cigarette should be here soon.

is now up.  Here is a link to it godlikeproductions.wordpress.com/

I was sitting in my computer chair reading about Alexander the Great for a history paper.  I fell asleep in the computer chair and started a dream where I was in this weird cyberpunk style gym.  Everything was flat and black and just.... fuck you all know what cyberpunk is.  I think Ryan was there, and maybe John and Frank, and a fuckload of people from highschool.  Anyway, I just remember I was supposed to be the driver, for us to go to this club.  somehow the club was linked to the gym.  But it was vital that I had to finish working out.  Then the zombies came.  they started ripping people apart and I know there was more, but then I woke up.  Maybe two hours had gone by.  I looked at my paper and decided I needed to move to the bed and get back to killing me some zombies with a taste for fit people.